Slowly I exhale as i sit in complete silence and the only thing on is the christmas tree and my laptop. I had a hell of a day. and I didn't even leave the house! Everyone was whining today ALL day and I seriously questioned investing in a sound proof box, like the size of a telephone booth and placing it in my garage and locking myself in there and screaming.
Today didn't start out that way in fact it start out awesome! laughs, giggles from all 3 girls and then right before lunchtime it hit and it was melt down town! time outs and naps were handed out and mommy time out with an extra cup of coffee (this is where i put the gate up blocking off the kitchen and sit on the rug in front of my stove so no kid can see me, just so u have a visual). Then Sydney didn't want to nap and she started crying and woke up Soph early.Then Soph decided she was cranky and whines about everything when she is tired. Then Sarah pissed her off and Sophia started in with the screaming. Got Sydney down for a nap and Sophia and Sarah were good watching tv so I snuck up to take a shower. (i do this often with no problems) then Sarah snuck over gate and went upstairs and with her loud voice she woke up Sydney and then I was upset and yelled at her to go downstairs. Lets just say Sarah spent most of the day in time out and didn't even get her popsicle after dinner.
I have my melt down and start crying cause i just wanted to have a nice pj day at home and enjoy my kids and play and hug and kiss on them and they were making it impossible... Sydney wanted to nurse all day! and Sophie wanted to eat all day and Sarah wanted to bug Sophie all day and obviously fell in love with the time out spot cause she was there often sometimes even got sent back as soon as she got out!
Days like this i miss my job! I miss being able to clock in and out and leave my work behind and even the option of calling in sick or going home early cause I'm sick. Sometimes during these days I don't even know who to call or text or who to turn to for prayer or advice or to see f they are going through this to and to see what they do... sometimes I feel so lonely in this world. My husband works so much and so hard and he is often sleeping during the day that i can't even text him or talk to him about this cause as soon as he wakes up he has to go right back to work again.This mommy hood is no joke and sometimes I sit back and I know God has a reason for everything but with how close these babies r Im just not seeing it and that makes me sad but sometimes its soooooooo hard to be joyful when I have days like this. which i should be grateful are few and far between. but today not so much feeling grateful here.... I know sad!
I also feel like i put myself out there and try to be friends with people and invest time and energy and sometimes I feel like I must not be worth it cause i don't get it back in return. Then there are those friends who say they are but really aren't cause all they do is talk about u or share your stories with others and i don't know who to trust cause i don't know who will keep my struggles between us and not share them with everyone. right? those aren't true friends so I've learned my lesson and don't share much anymore and don't put myself out there anymore. intact I've become a bit of a very private person and shut people out and then I find myself in this spot where I feel lonely. I get to the point where I feel like well why should i be the only one trying? why should i continuously try to call, text, email, see.?
I guess tonight is my chance to throw myself a pity party cause I feel defeated by all 3 of my kids and I don't feel like I did enough and I feel like I failed today as a mom and a wife.
This is where I'm needing God. As i put my first 2 to bed I closed their door and sat down in the rocking chair to nurse Sydney to bed. I asked God to be with me and to comfort me as I feel lonely weak and overwhelmed. I asked him to forgive me for my sins and to please fill this lonely feeling. I need him lots tonight as I lay here wishing I would press the rewind button and do it over. and praying for a new day tomorrow.
1 comment:
So sorry you had such a rough day. And it is really hard when you have no one to turn to, help out, call to just vent and cry? All of us have been in your shoes, and I know I certainly have, even though I only have 2. If you ever need to talk, please call. I will listen, in confidence, no judgement. I hope your day is getting better. And when you have days like that, put them to bed, have a glass of wine and sneak back into their rooms and watch them sleep, remembering that this is a small bump in the road you are traveling as a mom. You are blessed to have three beautiful girls.
Post a Comment